Monday, February 6, 2012

Things That Make Me Want to Buy a Beretta 9mm

The classic 92FS Beretta, the Centurion variant with 4 1/4 inch barrel and slide, down from the standard 5 inch Government size of the regular M9 type 92 
[fits and my hand perfectly]

[UPDATED 2-27-12]

Inspired by I Hate Children's blog about Things That Make Me Want To Down a 12-Pack, I decided to start working on a list that makes me consider becoming homicidal. I've always wanted a Beretta 9mm--it fits my hand perfectly of all the guns I've held, it feels made for me (and no I don't know if it was the Walther or not--another trip to the gun store is due perhaps?). However, there are just too many people, on a daily basis it seems, that would be too easy to put a cap in their brain case. Fear of prison and losing all natural law based morals keeps me from buying one because I know I would never just lock it away for protection, no I'd take it out, stroke and caress it while fantasizing about capping a few sons-a-bitches.

I came close to killing a few times, all damned pathetic really. Let's see if I can enumerate these occasions without looking like an idiot, probably not but maybe you'll get a laugh or two (or a nightmare or three):

* About 20 or so, I was in a bar in Dania Beach Hollywood FL, and drunk off my ass as was usual back then. I lived upstairs and my daily meal was the happy hour hot dog bar. Sipping a beer and playing 9-ball on the bar pool tables for free drinks (I was a pool shark and made a living at it, when I wasn't dancing or bartending that is), right before last call, had some drunk guy hanging all over me thinking he was getting invited upstairs to my room (Ha! I ain't telling!), it was around Xmas and I was depressed about my Dad being a prick. I asked the guy how much he would charge me to kill someone. He said, "You're drunk and crazy". Yep. I said, "I'll pay you $500 to kill my father for me". He laughed his ass off and decided he'd had enough beer for one night, and left. I was too drunk to realize that $500 would NOT have paid his round trip plane fare to where my Dad lived, never mind be worth the trouble and risk. Sigh...

* Another time I got into a bar fight with some whore and over some low life guy to make it worse. I wanted to kick her ass real bad, but I figured she could whoop me, so I sat there fantasizing about the 9mm that I'd handled the day before at a friend's house, how good it felt in my hand, perfect weight and balance, as well as how her brains would look all over the jerk off guy's face. While I was day dreaming, at night, she was outside smashing my car's windshield with a baseball bat. When the cops later asked if I'd seen who did it, I said yes, HER! And she got arrested & had to pay restitution. I didn't see her do it, I just KNEW it was her (well I couldn't shoot her now could I? it's the least I could do, right? Besides it was HER, I just know it).

* I caught a guy screwing around on me, named Charlie, the one that "got away" (I didn't marry him, about the only one I didn't marry that I lived with, forget knowing how to date or anything like that). We often got into knock down drag out fights, trading punches, until the neighbors called the cops who came & tore us apart to calm us down. Never ended up arrested for it or anything. I was a drunk, so was he, and about the only time I felt brave enough to confront him about anything (I was a brown noser yes woman back then--I know how to say no & confront people these days, lest you think me easy sport based on this shit) was when we were wasted falling down drunk. So one night he was sitting in the passenger seat of my car, after I'd left him over the "other woman", but really just wanted him to come to his senses and come back to me. He wouldn't. So sitting in my 1977 Mercury Montego one night, me behind the wheel, him in passenger seat, me crying & begging him to stop seeing the woman, him saying no way, I reached under my seat where I'd started carrying a machete (just in case, right?) and pulled it out. Charlie laughed in my face, "You ain't going to do anything with that, just put it away before you hurt yourself" he says. In a fury of wanting him dead, yet NOT wanting him dead, I aimed for his heart, and instead stabbed the leather bucket seat of my car to the right of his heart about 15 times to the hilt (it was sticking out the back of the seat each time). He was a brave sumbitch, he kept laughing! I just cried and gave up. I could not hurt him, despite wanting him dead, I guess I just didn't have it in me to kill in cold blood, even though his laughing would have made a great defense in court, I am sure.

I've come closer to being killed, than I have to killing anyone else, but that doesn't mean I don't WANT to kill, it just means I'm a chicken shit or maybe that I'm smarter than I thought? Or prison and being someone's bitch REALLY scares me MORE than wanting them dead. I'll have to think on that one.

I'll be adding to this list, but for now the above serves as notice. You don't want to mess with the now grown up, smarter, mostly sober (or at least not drunk in a decade) near sighted me. I just might go and get that gun, you never know...people snap all the time over the littlest things, right?

(they’re cigarette lighters--safest kind for me)


+ Loud ass smokers & drunks who don't realize their voices carry for miles up here in the hicks, keeping me up all damned night til 3am with their stupid ass drunk bullshit right across the street from my bedroom window (& no I can't switch rooms, sure wish I could).

+ Snow plows that drive by at all hours of the day & night plowing when there's no damned snow! Yet when there IS snow, are nowhere to be found. Here's a video from 2-27-2012 to illustrate why I'm better off NOT buying that gun: 

+ People who lie when it's as easy to tell the truth, but especially men who lie when pursuing sex and claiming it's a relationship they want--just be fucking honest to start with, works better that way.

+ Anyone in a relationship with a musician or other performance artist who believe they have a right to change that person or make them give up their dream. Those people have destroyed so much that I could easily see myself...POW...POW...right between the eyes.

+ Anyone who harms children, animals and women, why not just get rid of their genes right from the get go & wipe them from the earth?

+ Telemarketers, Police Benevolent association bullshit, bill collectors calling me all the time for someone ELSE & not correcting the phone number because they think I'm that person, I want a shock treatment added to phones for those calls, just push a button and ZAP they go away.

+ Charities that collect money or especially donated goods that they then pocket for themselves (like the local domestic violence running under the name of a Catholic charity & not regulated by the NYS Attorney General, so they can't get in trouble for stealing from the one's who truly need the microwave or set of plates these people making a salary off the victims, take in their place). I can't name names, since they aren't regulated but my 1st amendment rights are & can get violated much easier.

+ Bush--every second he breathed as leader of the so-called free world, whew it's a damn good thing I didn't ever get that gun, nor know how to stalk & track down such a skank. I feel similar about Obama now that he lied to us, but I know he will be out of that white house sooner than I could learn to shoot a gun accurately, lucky man, lol. Did I mention I hate liars? Good. Felt the same way about Howard Dean getting all of us suckers to donate our last dollars in many cases, promising he would not quit, then quitting after of course spending all OUR money.

+ The state of Maine Portland city DA's office for letting a 3+ time felony loser, rapist & multiple assaulter of women (me being one of them), go with house arrest when the law said he was due maximum repeat offender felony time. Worse, she was a woman & I told her to her face I hoped her daughter was next on his list, but then again, that would be incest, right? (See how pissed I still am?)

+ That Pizza Hut made their awesome Buffalo Chicken Wings too hot for me to eat & don't offer a mild version. Same goes for Red Lobster's appetizer Lobster Rolls, and the fact that there is no pizza, chinese, italian or any other kind of food delivery service within 15 miles of where I moved to last summer (bum fuck Upstate NY).

+ Hmm, went from serious stuff to what one might consider frivolous, but you go without dinner delivery when you don't feel like cooking, every night for 8 months & we'll see how you fare, alright? ;-)

+ More to come as a new asshole is born every second...and as long as I write about them here, that keeps them safe from me ever buying a Beretta since then there would be evidence, and I'm hopefully not that stupid, but one never knows, that's why I DON'T buy a gun. I could always buy the bullets though...

[Took me a week to come up with that list, luckily I don't get drunk any more so rarely fantasize about doing such stupid shit...rarely though, no one is perfect]


  1. Wow. That's...... quite a list... Remind me to never piss you off.

  2. As long as you don't drive a snow plow at 3am when the roads are dry, or beat up old women & dogs, I think you just might be safe.